Monday, May 31, 2010

Who Am I?

If you've stumbled upon this blog by accident or unsuspectingly clicked on a link that landed you here, you're probably wondering, "Who the heck is this chick?" This is an excellent question. Here are the basics:

1. My name is Erin.
2. I'm 29 1/2 30 31 32 33 years old.
3. I live in Austin, Texas.
4. In about 5 weeks, I will be divorced. I am divorced.
5. My marriage lasted less than 2 years before we separated. 
6. I used to blog over here.
7. This blog is the story of the next part of my life.

I am also smokin' hot. Or skeptical. It's all in the eye of the beholder.

The question, "Who am I?" is one that I've been mulling over a lot during the last few months. If you had asked me a year ago, I would have come up with an answer pretty quickly, and it probably would have included mention of my career, my husband, my awesome kitty cat, and my hobbies. But after my separation forced me to spend a great deal of time alone, I realized that even though I thought I knew who I was, I really didn't. I would come home from work, sit on the couch in what suddenly felt like my cavernous and silent house, and realize that I didn't even know what I wanted to do with the next few hours, let alone the rest of my life.

Did I want to cook dinner? 

I dunno. 

Watch TV? 


Read a book? 

Sounds all right. 

Some of this ambivalence came from the fact that I was depressed. But a good chunk of it also came from my not knowing who I was. I realized that I had spent almost all of my twenties looking for a relationship and then defining myself as being in that relationship. When the relationship failed (in part, because I went into it not knowing, or even working toward knowing who I was or what I wanted), I was left feeling empty and lonely. In a sense, I really didn't even have myself to turn to, because I didn't know myself.

I've spent the past few months thinking about who I am, acknowledging the positives and the not-so-positives. In the course of that process, I've also learned a little bit about who I want to be. And I've realized that this whole self-discovery thing is going to be an ongoing process. Like, forever. So, that's what this blog is about. It's about who I am, and it's about who I want to be. Sometimes it will be heavy, sometimes it will be light, but it will always be me.