Thursday, September 9, 2010

Hallelujah

I have dreaded writing this post before this blog, or any blog of mine ever existed. 

I do not see myself the way that you see me. No one really ever can see themselves as others do, but more than some others, I do not. My vision of myself has always been distorted. My failures are greater and my successes are smaller in my own eyes. I have never been the person I wished I could be.

The first time I attempted suicide, I was 14. I was a baby. I was a girl who didn't know how to separate the things that happened to her from who she was. I wrecked myself, and I wrecked my family, and I have never forgiven myself for it. 

The second time, I was 21. I didn't know myself well enough to tell rejection from one person from rejection by the world. I couldn't separate a single failure from my total failure as a human being. I didn't know then what I know now: that one day, I would look in the mirror and see someone who didn't just deserve to be loved, but who loved herself; that there was inherent depth and value and beauty in me, regardless of what I or anyone else did or did not see; and that one day, I would feel whole and worthy and loved in my own eyes. I wish I could say I completely believed all those things today.

I wish I could talk to the girl I was 10 years ago and tell her that everything would be okay. I wish I could tell her that it would pass and she would never know any of those awful feelings ever again. I wish I could promise her she would find her way.

10 years later, I can't say any of those things to her. But I can say this: you are getting there. You are growing, and you are finding yourself, and that in itself is a success. And even if you never quite get to where you think you should be, you have gotten far enough, because you are good, and you are beautiful, and most of all, you are enough. Right now, as you are, you are enough. You are more than you were, and you are more than you thought you would be, and that is enough. Take a breath and revel in that, because it's more valuable than you let yourself believe. 

I love me. Or I think I do. And at least in this moment, I celebrate me. I am flawed, but I am good enough just as I am. I will wake up tomorrow and I will muddle through the day with the rest of the world, and I will end it just a little bit better than I was when I started. 

I cannot ask for more than that.


10 comments:

Rena said...

Self-loathing is terrible thing, isn't it. While I haven't been exactly where you've been, I've taken the slower route of suicide--food and alcohol. And your post reminds me of what I try to tell myself every day: I don't have to be perfect...I just have to be me.

I know you're not searching for accolades (in fact they embarrass you), but let me just say that I think you're the cat's meow. Juliette's meow, in fact. So don't change. Except to grow...which is change that we all need.

Mwah. Love you...

Cristina said...

You know, you're just fine by me, lady friend. Just fine by me. Someday I'll tell you my story, and we'll walk that road together. Too long for 140 characters on Twitter, though. (Streetlights94)

Julie said...

I can't say all the fluffy things I want to say, or I'll sound like an idiot, and I do enough of that already. But know when I say this I mean the hell out of it: You aren't just good enough. You are awesome.

LPC said...

Wishing you continued and increasing strength and happiness.

lahn said...

Erin,
I am glad you are here, writing, and that you are exactly who you are. This post is beautiful. Thank you.

Katherine said...

This is ironic to me, as you, my bestie, have helped me battle many of the same foul demons, knowingly or unknowingly. There are things we do not know about each other, still, but I know this: you are one of the strongest, most smart, intelligent, beautiful, funny, talented, kickass women I know. I am damn proud to call you my best friend, and I love you. To pieces. You will find what you're looking for, but in the meantime, keep your circle calm, peaceful, and positive. That's all you can do. The rest will work itself out, and one day you'll be driving down some random road and realize 1) that you are really and truly happy and 2) that you have no freaking idea when or how that happened. Know that you are awesome, and you are loved.

fortunecookiejunkie said...

Thank the motherfucking baby jesus.

fortunecookiejunkie said...

p.s. the word I had to type for my previous comment was "quacked," which is whack. no lie.

RachelintheOC said...

Your honesty is what connects us all, across these lines of wire. We move past these characters of type and into each other's lives when you allow us in, to see what an amazing individual you were, and who you have become.

Thanks Erin, for bringing us on your journey. I'm honored to be here.

Sophia said...

erin, this is beautiful. thanks for sharing.

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