Saturday, September 4, 2010

The Horror, The Horror!

It's no secret that I'm trying to get out and date. I'm not very good at it. I freak out about what to wear, how much to drink beforehand, how loudly to laugh - and that's just to answer the phone when he calls to ask me out. But there are people who are worse at it, apparently. Large, multi-national corporations, in fact.

Today I joined OkCupid. Like eHarmony, they purport to match you based on some sort of proven, mathematical algorithm. Unlike eHarmony, OkCupid is free. OkCupid it is! So I fill out my profile, submitting thoughtful written answers about who I am and how I like to spend my free time. I answer 100+ multiple-choice questions about everything from ethics to leisure time to sex to family, ranking the topics' relative importance to me. I click a button and tell OkCupid, "Yes, show me my matches!" And within the first 10 matches, up pops my ex-husband.

I shit you not. I searched frantically for a "block" button, but OkCupid doesn't let you hide your profile from specific people. Yes, seriously. I can hide him from my view, but I can't hide myself from him. I'm hoping and praying he doesn't log in and see my face. I'm afraid it'll break his heart all over again.

According to OkCupid, my ex-husband and I are 83% compatible. Based on the fact that we got a divorce, I'm going to go ahead and say, "Hey, OkCupid, you're wrong!" It's true, my ex and I got along fairly well most of the time. But we also had some fundamental differences that turned out to be deal breakers for me. Apparently OkCupid just slots all that stuff into the other 17% and brushes it aside. Kind of an important 17%, don't you think, OkCupid?

This is almost as bad as my first foray into internet matchmaking 6 months or so ago. While my ex and I were still separated, I joined I wanted to see what else was out there, so I could make an informed decision. Was my marital situation as dire as I thought it was? Maybe there really wasn't anything better out there... So I created my profile and posted it. I started browsing through my matches. And who showed up on the very first page of my matches, in the second row? One of my coworkers. And not just any coworker. Someone I don't like a whole lot. Someone who believes women should stay more or less at home, barefoot and pregnant. Someone I find incredibly obnoxious and annoying. Someone I wouldn't breed with if he were the last living, breathing human male on Earth, because if his genes were going to constitute half of the future human race's genes, then our species was just better off dead. And thought that he was a pretty solid, viable option for me.

Just shoot me now.

I told my coworkers. They laughed hysterically. I felt nauseous. I wrote off for dead.

OkCupid, you're on life support. I'm almost ready to pull the plug. I have only one thing left to say to you: you best step up your game, or you and your effed up mathematical algorithm will soon be going the way of with me. Find me some solid matches, or send up the white flag. Quit phoning it it. In the meantime, I'm hitting Craigslist. It can't possibly be any worse, right?


fortunecookiejunkie said...

You know my thoughts on Craigslist. I'll keep them to myself. Or, rather, out of the comments section of your blog. Great post, by the way.

Julie said...

I can't even laugh. I'd hate to hear that I'm 83% compatible with my husband, considering... well just considering. Story for another day.

Fight the good fight. You're worth it.

Caroline said...

Um, wow. a)Craigslist is definitely worse, or at least not better and b) yikes. Well to look on the "brightside" if there is such a thing, they did match you with someone you thought was worthy of marriage, right? I mean it didn't work out, but you lived with the man, they are just going by some silly questions that people can lie about. So I'd give OKcupid a bit of slack (no I don't work for them). Have you ever thought of being - single for a while? It seems to me that your rush to have another relationship is well - rushed. Of course i don't know you, and I'm probably wrong, but I think you are a pretty cool lady who may need some time to a) realize that and b) figure out what you really, I mean, really, want in a relationship. That being my honest opinion, I am the chick on the interwebs who can't spell and makes up words all the time, so you must consider the source. Also - good luck! I'm sure you will find what you are looking for.

Unknown said...

A month later and I'm super glad you didn't give up on OKCupid ;) At least I have a chance to prove that it can work sometimes. Hopefully it isn't... right? ;)

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