Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Hey, OkCupid: Quit Ruining My Holidays

Dear OkCupid,

It is the end of what has been a very long, very trying, very emotional year for me. And so I'm asking you, from the very bottom of my heart, as your Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/New Year's/winter solstice/belated birthday/just plain humanitarian gift to me, to please, for the love of God and all that is good and right in the world, please stop matching me with my ex-husband.

It's not as if I don't still sometimes pause to question whether separation and divorce were the right decisions, because I do. Regularly. So I certainly don't need you reminding me of the many wonderful ways in which we were compatible. In fact, we were 95% compatible according to your most recent calculations (up from 83% when you first matched us four months ago). And I definitely don't need you going out of your way to send his profile to me so that when I check my email three short days before Christmas - my very first Christmas as a newly divorced woman, in fact - I am confronted with his photograph and description and the news that he could be the one for me. 

Thanks, OkCupid, but we already tried that.

I thought you would have gotten the message when, after you matched us back in August, I blocked his profile from my view. It's not that I don't like him - I actually hold no grudge against him - but I don't need memories of our relationship popping up every time I try to restart my dating life. Nevertheless, you seem to feel pretty strongly about this match, because you bypassed my blocking his profile and made him one of my "Quiver" matches, which means you specially selected him just for me, mailed his profile to me, and told me to go ahead and "message him sweetly."

Frankly, I don't think he'd appreciate that any more than I do.

I'm not going to argue the merits of our supposed 95% match. We did get along quite well most of the time, but the other 5% was a deal-breaker for me. I loved him as best I could. I really did. But we just didn't work out. I will always have doubts and questions about our relationship and its demise, but it's time for you to let me move on with my life. 

And so, I'm asking you, with all the politeness and grace I can muster, to please stop matching me with my ex-husband. Please, leave me to my holiday season in peace.


Update, 12/22/10, 10:30pm: OkCupid just sent me yet another email (two in one day!) with a list of matches, and my ex-husband was at the top again. They are officially making me stabby.


Streetlights94 said...

So this reminds me of when I was a sophomore and the ickiest boy ever copied my answers on a compatibility test we did every year for Valentines. It was a dollar and a fundraiser, why not? All the girls would hope to be paired off with the hottest guy and vice versa.

I couldn't stand this guy. He smelled of tuna. I digress.

He copied all my answers and when the big V-Day came I looked at all my answers. Of course he was the #1 most compatible guy at a whopping stalkerish 100%. I was furious.

When he came to give me his Bachelor style rose (so progressive of him) at lunch I let him have it. I roasted him over the coals in front of the entire student body. Took that rose, snapped it in two, and threw it at him.

I still feel a little bad about that.

Maybe you just need a burst of temper and snap a rose. But in the end, it's just numbers. You're not bound to him any more. It's just annoying as hell.

Erin said...

@Cristina: Best blog comment ever: "He smelled of tuna. I digress."

I Am Gracie B said...

oh geez. best blog ever. best blog comment ever. tuna. roses. compatibility. snicker.

Unknown said...

I signed up for OKCupid and JDate and can't wait until my ex pops up on it. I know it's bound to happen.

Erin said...

@AmusingGrace: Too kind! Really, it was the tuna rose comment that put this post over the top.

@mgold: JDate? Really? You had to go and fulfill the stereotype?

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