Thursday, February 24, 2011

Woman on the Verge

This has been one of those weeks when I have spent every idle moment on the verge of tears. If I'm not actively thinking about or doing something else, my mind drifts to my current source(s) of unhappiness, stalls out there, and then I tear up. I've been lucky to have a somewhat busy week so far - dinner with a friend on Monday and traveling for work all day Tuesday - but Wednesday brought the straw that broke the camel's back. I sent an email to a colleague asking about a particular project's progress and got the response, "Call me ASAP." I did, and I heard exactly what I expected: bad news. I hung up the phone, sent a couple emails (one for damage control, the other seeking my boss's advice), and promptly burst into tears.

It's not that the problem was unmanageable. It's not that I was handling it poorly or making it worse. It's that it was just one more thing that's going wrong and that I can't entirely control right now. I am angry, and frustrated, and most of all, tired. The last two weeks have been a barrage of challenges and bad news, and right now all I want is for one thing to be easy. I want someone to look at me and say, "Don't worry, it's all fixed. It's taken care of." I want a fairy godmother, or a genie with three wishes to grant. Heck, I'd even take a member of the Geek Squad or one of those ladies who answers the Butterball hotline on Thanksgiving and tells you how to make your turkey disaster right. Anyone with the potential to take one of these things off my plate and my mind.

I've known for a long time that I view my life on a macro setting; it's the same lack of perspective that I've mentioned before. I get so hyper-focused, so zoomed in on my immediate circumstances that I often forget the big picture. I know that it's why I feel so miserably overwhelmed right now. I know that if I could pull back and see the forest for the trees, I'd feel better. But right now, the trees seem to be those big giant sequoias you find in California, and the forest is lost to me.


LPC said...

xox. This too shall pass. FWIW.

jo miller said...

Be very gentle with yourself...a lot of shit has/is happening. Give time time. Keep on Keeping the faith.
Sending you love ,hugs & some hope to keep in your heart.

Erin said...

Thank you both. Sometimes I forget that I'm not actually ever going to be perfect.

Post a Comment