Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The Blog Post with No Name, Because I Couldn't Think of One

Three years ago today, I walked down an aisle with my parents by my side and got married.

I tried to write that sentence a dozen different times, beginning it "Three years ago today, I walked down an aisle with my parents by my side and married the man that I...." and then getting stuck. I want to write "loved," because I did love him, in a way. But not in the right way, which I suppose was our ultimate problem.

I was genuinely happy that day. It's one of the few moments I can point to and say definitively that yes, I was happy. Our families and dearest friends were there. We danced and drank and devoured the most delicious cake I've ever eaten. But in the months that followed, I knew something wasn't right. I found myself wondering, "Is this all there is to married life?" I felt like something was missing - some sort of excitement, or depth of emotion, or... something

I thought maybe my idea of what marriage should feel like was unrealistic, so I tried adjusting my expectations. I thought maybe we needed to get away and remember why we got married in the first place, so we went to Italy. I thought maybe I really just needed to find happiness in other areas of my life, so I started going out with my friends more. Except I could never quite adjust my expectations enough, and Italy was great but when we got home real life remained the same, and more and more I found myself looking forward to time with my friends as an escape from my failing relationship at home.

We got divorced last summer. I'm sorry that I hurt him. I certainly didn't mean to - when I said my vows, I never imagined that less than two years later I'd be breaking them. And I do regret not bringing my ex-husband into the conversation about my unhappiness earlier, though I'm still not sure how I could have done that. I spent a year trying to figure out exactly what was wrong, and by the time I put my finger on it I think the relationship was too far gone to fix. In some ways, it was broken from the start: we established unhealthy patterns early on, and I didn't understand what I really needed and wanted from a partner.

Today is a strange day for me. On the one hand, I haven't been dwelling on my marriage and divorce as much lately, and I don't feel the overwhelming sadness I thought I would today. But on the other hand, I do feel some grief for the relationship I imagined we would have and the plans we made together. I think that's normal, and even appropriate. A year ago I was drowning in the grief; I don't plan to do that today. I'm going to work in the morning, and I have dinner plans with a friend tonight. I'll probably cry a little at some point, because the end of a marriage is a sad thing, and then tomorrow I'll wake up and go about my life.

And it will all be fine.

1 comments:

Burgh Gourmand said...

It was really helpful for me to read this. Thanks for sharing, again, Erin.

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