Sunday, June 19, 2011

Not a Father's Day Post

There are lots of signs when I get depressed. I eat more. I drink more. I sleep more. I lose interest in activities that I usually enjoy - cooking, listening to my favorite musicians, watching TV even. I fantasize about buying a motorcycle and riding far, far away. But the main thing, the thing that always catches my attention, is that I cry over absolutely nothing.

Today I texted a friend to see if she wanted to meet up this afternoon and grab a beer. She responded that while she'd love to, she already had plans to get together with her family for a Father's Day BBQ. I'd completely forgotten that it's Father's Day, and of course I understood why she couldn't get together. But that didn't stop me from tearing up immediately.

Lots of factors led to this most recent bout of depression. I'm frustrated in my job but don't see many concrete opportunities opening up anytime soon. My dating life is nearly nonexistent, and the one guy who I thought had potential disappeared all together. I feel abandoned and villified by my entire family. I'm unhappy with my body. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
But honestly, the main reason is probably that I haven't been diligent about taking my meds regularly. I've been getting in bed at night to read and then not wanting to get back up to pop a couple pills. I mean to take them in the morning, but often I forget. It wouldn't be such a big deal if it only happened once or twice a month, but it's been happening three or four days a week, and that adds up.

I know what I need to do. I need to take my meds every night (and brush my teeth before bed while I'm at it, too). I need to force myself to go out and be social even though I don't want to. I need to not make a batch of oatmeal raisin cookies at 9:30 on a Saturday night and then eat every last one while wallowing in self-pity. I need to ignore all the people who will tell me to "cheer up" (eff you) and "look on the bright side" (there's a bright side?), because if I don't I'll strangle them, and I don't exactly think prison will agree with my delicate disposition.

But right now, all that feels a little daunting. So I'll just stick with taking my meds, and then have a nap.

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