Monday, August 1, 2011

I've Lost That Lovin' Feeling

A perfectly nice, reasonably attractive (realistically, too attractive for me) guy asked me out on Saturday. I turned him down, saying I was busy. It probably wouldn't have gone anywhere anyway.

I've lost my interest - and hope - in dating.

A couple weeks ago a pretty good prospect asked me out via OkCupid, suggesting a drink and a movie at a cool new theater downtown. He's mid-30s, professional, attractive, fit, and we have some shared interests. I lied and told him I had plans for that evening. As I explained to a friend, "I don't feel like being rejected on Monday." I meant it.

That prospect left the country a few days later, and said he'd be in touch with me when he gets back in early August. I hope he forgets. I don't feel like being rejected in August, either.

A new friend invited me to go to a singles event with her last Friday night. It seemed like it would be a cool evening at a hip new bar on the east side, but I couldn't muster the energy to go. To shower, to do my hair, to put on makeup, to be funny and witty and interesting for a couple hours, and then to have it end the way it always does: without any interest from anyone, again. 

I didn't feel like being rejected on Friday night.

I'm tired. 

And lonely. 

And angry. 

I'm angry that I got divorced because I wanted something more for myself and now that something more isn't here.

I'm angry that the men I've seen the greatest potential with are always unavailable to me - emotionally, geographically, whatever. 

I'm angry that I question my decisions now. I wonder if I made a mistake getting a divorce. If maybe my hopes for something more fulfilling were misguided. If maybe something more fulfilling doesn't exist for me.

I'm angry that some people insist on telling me to just wait, I'll see, it will all come together at some point and then I'll understand that the wait was worth it.

I'm angry that I really am starting to believe that maybe it all wasn't worth it, and that when I express that I will inevitably be met with trite, condescending, pseudo-comforting responses.

I'm angry that I'm angry, and that I will push away those who try to comfort me along with the few potential dates that come along.

I'm angry that I'm here, in this place, in this state, again.

I'm just angry.


LPC said...

Aw boo. We all have the right to our feelings. And then we can move on, with any luck. You are young.

Anonymous said...

Put your big girl panties on and stop your bitching.

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