Friday, February 10, 2012

Quitting Time (and the Week 10 Update)

I walked out of roller derby practice yesterday. I'd reached my mental limit and had enough, so I took off my skates and left. I was tired before I arrived and had been experiencing a weird pain in my right knee, elbow and wrist all day long. I didn't really want to be there in the first place, and it didn't help things when the trainers changed the warm up and had us do an exercise that highlighted all the weak spots in my legs (it's amazing how skating around the track in the opposite direction, and having to reverse all your normal steps, can make you feel like you're starting from scratch). So I was already feeling down on myself 5 minutes into practice.

Then they gave us a drill that required a fair amount of flexibility and agility and balance, let us run through it twice, and then told us to do it all over again, but this time while we kept an arm around a partner. This doesn't sound so bad, except for the following things: 1) if you're lacking in things like flexibility, agility, and balance, and you feel weak, you're probably not going to do so well on this drill; 2) if, on top of all that, you've only done the drill twice in your entire life, you're definitely not going to do very well on it; 3) if you're partnered up with someone, you're now additionally limited by their flexibility, agility and balance; and 4) if you've got your arm around a partner, it's pretty likely that if you fall, you're going to take her down with you.

So I did the drill with my partner, and in addition to feeling weak and off-balance and awkward, I was also afraid of taking her down with me, so I sucked at it extra bad. The whole thing left me feeling like crap about my skill level. Then they moved us to the next drill, which involved some blocking, and for whatever reason the girl we were trying to block was clearly from a higher skill level. She blew right past us the first time, which was pretty demoralizing. The second time I blocked her, but then shifted my balance to block her second attempt and fell on my left hip and shoulder. I got back up, but I felt like shit.

I felt clumsy and awkward and like I couldn't make my body do the things I wanted it to do. Basic things, like shifting weight and turning corners, were eluding me. My joints and muscles were too tight to make the moves I needed to make. I got back in line to do the drill again, but I was already holding back tears. I was so frustrated and so demoralized that I just didn't want to be there anymore. As my turn approached I saw that I'd be up against a girl who's way worse than I am - there was almost no way I wouldn't be able to block her. It would've been an easy win.

I didn't care. In my head I was already done. I told the girl behind me in line to take my spot, that I was done for the night. I skated off the track and went to take off my gear. I started crying as I pulled everything off and stuffed it in my bag - slow, quiet tears running down my cheeks. I cried the whole drive home. I just felt so frustrated with the whole situation and my body.

I know I shouldn't expect myself to have mastered these drills after only 3 weeks. I know that I'm going to need to stretch and build up strength and flexibility outside of practices if I really want to get better. And I know that I probably should've stuck it out last night. But I hit a wall that I couldn't break through, and I just needed to walk away.

Week 10
Total weight loss: 5 pounds (That's another 1/2 a pound overall this week, but I discovered I gained some with all the traveling last week, so I had some making up to do)
Number of workouts: 4 (1 1/2 roller derby practices, 1 circuit training session at the gym, and 1 day of 30 minutes on the elliptical)
Number of days at or under 1600 calories: 5


Julie said...

I'm very proud of you. I wish I could put it into prettier words and loving sentiments. But, in the end what it truly boils down to is: I am very proud of you. xoxo

Katherine said...

I second Julie's comment and hope you're feeling a little better. I wish I could have been there that day to help you shake it off. I'm so proud of you. You are an amazing woman, and this girl loves you.

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow."

Abita Blackenblue said...

Oh hell - next time just take me down with you! I did that drill with SlaughterMelon a few weeks after that, and even with her incredible skill, I almost managed to take us both out a few times. You're a lot better than you think you are!! I will go practice with you anytime outside of regular practice to get in a little extra skating time. Just say the word.

I'm glad I found your blog and farted around a little in the middle of the work day! See you Thursday!

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