Monday, July 9, 2012

All Torn Up

It's 12:30 in the morning on a Monday and I'm still awake, even though, yes, I have to go to work in the morning.

Before I go to the office I have an appointment with my orthopedic surgeon to finally get an answer about the bum shoulder I injured during roller derby practice back in March. I had an MRI done on Friday night, and the results will be ready in less than 11 hours.

Google is my best friend and my worst enemy right now, enabling my obsessive searches for diagnoses and treatments and prognoses. Is it a rotator cuff tear? Or a tear of the glenoid labrum? Between the two I'd really prefer a labrum tear because the recovery time for that is shorter (or so says the internet). But of course no tear at all would be best, because then I wouldn't have to have surgery and could keep skating while I go through physical therapy... 

I mull over the possibilities and their associated pros and cons, finally settling on my injury of choice, as if what I want will have any effect on the outcome. The silliest part is that even without a diagnosis, I've been sabotaging my skating for months. I'm pouting over friends who've moved up and started scrimmaging before me, and even though I've assessed up now and am able to practice with them again, I'm still not showing up to practice often. It feels pointless and frustrating when I can't hit or scrimmage yet.

So here I am, hoping for a diagnosis that will allow me to skate even though I haven't really been skating for a while now, because at least then it will be my choice not to skate. And that's the real reason I'm obsessing over rotator cuff tears vs. labrum tears and SLAP lesions vs. Bankart lesions and settling on my preferences even though the universe really doesn't care which injury I'd prefer: because I'm not in control of any of this (and a lot of the rest of my life) right now, but all this obsessing and preferring lets me pretend that I can influence it in some way.

I get that a shoulder injury like this is relatively minor in the grand scheme of things. It's not exactly life-threatening. Hell, it's not even bad as roller derby injuries go. But it feels Very Important to me.

I know I should let go and relax and just let the diagnosis come to me in 10 1/2 hours, which is exactly what it's going to do even if I don't let go and relax. I know that all this obsessing is only giving me the illusion of control. I know that I should concentrate on the things I can control, like doing exercises that don't aggravate my shoulder and not eating a pint of ice cream in one sitting. I know it all, I really do. 

But I would still really prefer a labrum tear over a rotator cuff tear - just in case.

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