Monday, December 30, 2013

Letting Go



I cannot change the fact that he lied to me. He lied about loving me, or else he wouldn't have left me the way he did. And I cannot change the fact that I believed him, or that I loved him. But I can change how I feel about it now. 

I can choose not to feel foolish anymore. Instead, I can be proud of the fact that I loved honestly and openly. That was genuine, and even a little – dare I say it? – brave, and so I shouldn’t feel foolish for it. Instead, I should remind myself that those are the hallmarks of how I want to live my life, because they are better than hiding my heart away.

I can choose not to see myself as broken. I wasn’t the one who lied or misled. I wasn’t the one who refused to open up or be honest about where I was at emotionally. Those were truly hurtful mistakes, and I should remember that I do not want to be with someone who makes them repeatedly and to my detriment.

I can choose not to keep taking this out on myself.  I do not have to sleep 13 hours a day, mostly during the daylight hours. I do not have to eat entire batches of chai spice sugar cookies in one day (they really are the best cookies on the planet, like a more interesting snickerdoodle, and if you haven’t tried them you should go make them right now). And I do not have to keep wallowing in how hurt I am, because none of that will change what happened. I should focus on doing the things I enjoy, with people I love and who love me back, and reminding myself that life goes on, whether I want it to or not, so I might as well enjoy the ride.

1 comments:

Julie said...

I just caught up on the last few. So many changes for you, all of them daunting and exhilarating! You are brave. And you're definitely not foolish. I know about fools, and you are not one. :)

This is exactly what I'm struggling with right now. Letting go of the feeling of broken. Except I don't really feel like he broke me, I feel like I broke myself and let the pieces scatter. And now, I have to find some of the pieces that are missing. I need to put myself back together and learn what it is to be ME.

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