I got dumped last week, but that's not what I'm upset about. I'd had my own lingering doubts over the months we'd been dating and never quite felt as head-over-heels as I thought I should. He'd been "busy" and I thought that perhaps not seeing much of him was keeping me from feeling that intangible feeling I thought I was supposed to feel with the right person, so I was waiting it out until after the holidays to see if it got better. Regardless, the rejection of getting dumped still stings a little, but I'm hurt for another reason.
Apparently he'd made up his mind about us weeks ago and (by his own admission) was just avoiding telling me. Things came to a head over the weekend when he said he'd let me know about whether we could do something on Saturday. He never touched base with me and so on Sunday morning I texted him to tell him I was irritated by his blowing me off. No response. So I texted him Monday morning and still got no response. Fed up, I decided to call him and tell him that we obviously weren't on the same page and we should probably take advantage of the holidays to figure out what we wanted going forward (I was traveling for work and couldn't do it face-to-face). He didn't take my call. What he did instead was respond with a lengthy text message telling me that while he enjoyed hanging out with me, he didn't have the "right feelings" for me.
It's the fact that he avoided me for weeks, ignored my text messages and call, and then finally dumped me via text message that really hurts. It shows that he had absolutely no respect for me, my time, or my feelings. At the very least, he owed me the courtesy of a conversation. Over the phone or face to face, I don't really care. But I believe that if you have respect for someone, you at least give them the courtesies of being honest and hearing their response. It's what decent people do for each other, even under difficult circumstances.
In retrospect, I shouldn't be surprised at how he dumped me. When Juliette died he expressed only minimal concern for me and never once asked how I was handling her death. I chalked it up to him not knowing how to comfort me and never having lost a pet himself. When we had our one and only fight, he didn't acknowledge that he hurt my feelings or apologize until much later. Instead, he turned the aftermath of the argument into beating himself up for his behavior and avoiding me. Both incidents gave me pause, but I was willing to wait it out a bit longer and see if he became more emotionally available over time. In retrospect, that probably never would have happened. He avoided me and my emotions when were dating, he did it when he dumped me via text message, and if we'd continued dating, he probably would have done it throughout our relationship. In short, he's an avoider.
I, on the other hand, am a confronter, so I sort of expected myself to react much more strongly. Instead, I responded with two text messages. The first said, "Okay, then," and the second one told him that for future reference, text message was not the appropriate medium for breaking up with someone. I beat myself up for a while and wondered what it was about me that made someone respect and value me so little that he'd dump me that way. I still find myself falling into that way of thinking, but more and more I'm realizing that 1) I'm better off without someone who treats other people that way, and 2) if that really is his M.O., we wouldn't have lasted much longer anyway.
At the very least, two good things have come out of this. First, I was reminded of what an amazing group of friends I have. One friend had me over to her apartment where we watched Hot Fuzz and drank beer while she baked me chocolate chip cookies. Because she's awesome. Another distracted me by inviting me out for drinks, and countless others listened to me vent. And all my friends expressed what I would describe as the only appropriate responses in this scenario.
A sampling, for your reading pleasure:
"Is he 12?!?!"
"What a fucking coward!!!"
"I don't even know what to say." (Yes, speechlessness is an appropriate response in this instance.)
"Dude's a prick."
"What an asshole."
"The guy's being a jerk."
"Well, that's just wrong."
And my personal favorite: "Keep it classy, lawyer dude."
(For context, he is a lawyer, in case that wasn't obvious.)
See? My friends are an amazing, empathetic, and articulate bunch. And I am lucky.
The other good thing to come out of this is actually for all of you. I had already purchased a couple Christmas gifts for the guy, and while the majority of them are things that I can happily use myself (an assortment of locally produced hot sauces from around Texas, for example), there is one item I most definitely cannot use or return. And so, I'm giving it away to one of you lucky people.
Let me preface this by saying that it was a gag gift. You must keep that in mind.
It's a pair of these Sriracha (aka rooster sauce) boxer shorts from The Oatmeal, size XL. I imagine they'd make an excellent (free-to-you-but-will-probably-arrive-a-little-late-but-hey-free-is-free) Christmas gift or stocking stuffer.
How can you win them? Just leave a comment on this post before 11:59pm CST on Wednesday, December 19. One comment per person; any comments after your first one will not be valid entries. Be sure to include an email address so I can contact you and get your mailing address if you've won. I'll use the random number generator over at www.random.org to select one lucky winner from all the comments. So go on, hurry up and comment and get yourself some free boxer shorts!
Look at that: lemons into lemonade! I'm just like Jesus, I tell you.
It’s (not) Flag Day.
1 day ago